I've been missing from the blog world for some time. In that time a lot has changed. Life has changed. I'm learning tough lessons, sometimes more than I want to learn. I've had tears. I've had joy. As a matter of fact, over the last month I've probably experienced every emotion.
As many of you know, Josh and I were not supposed to be able to have children. This was one of the many reasons we were pursuing adoption. We went to Haiti and fell in absolute love with Ruth and Naomi. We prayed and prayed and we really felt God had laid this on our hearts. We were ready to do everything possible because we knew it would be an upward battle to bring Ruth and Naomi home. We couldn't do it alone. We were writing letters, making phone calls and then it all came to a sudden halt.
God threw us a curve ball. We had the whole crowd cheering us on and rooting for us. But, just like that it all changed. It couldn't be. Pregnant? No. It's just not possible. It just couldn't be. Us not being able to have kids was the only way to get Ruth and Naomi. Curve ball.
Pregnancy meant a lot of things. One, we could no longer get Ruth and Naomi. Two, my Haiti trip coming up can no longer be. Three, God performed a miracle.
I put these in this order because it's the way I thought of them. God performed a miracle...last. Notice anything wrong? God performed a miracle in Josh and I's life and it was the last thing on my mind. God totally showed up in our lives and it didn't phase me.
Now, don't get me wrong. We are so excited that we're having a baby. We just were not headed in this direction. God had other plans for us. This has really been giving me some grief. I've been tossing around so many questions in my mind. Why did God lay the adoption on our hearts? How does this change our future? Is this really happening? God, can this be? What is going to happen to the girls? God, are you sure you know what you are doing? Are you protecting us against rejection from the Haitian government? What is going on? Some of the questions are ridiculous, I know.
On Tuesday I had a children's event and we watched Soul Surfer. That movie was just for me. Now, I'm not saying that what is happening is a tragedy in my life. In fact, it's the opposite. "It's hard to look at things that are too close." That movie was for me. That quote gave me a new perspective. This is life right now. I have questions. No answers. I'm too close. God has thrown us a curve ball.